Grief, and the Power of Coaching

Two years ago today, I received the devastating news that a very close family friend and her young son were taken from the world in one of the most horrific ways. I will never forget that day, or those that followed, as it had what I can now call a profound impact on my life.

I had felt off all day. That morning at work something inside of me was nagging at my gut. I got through the work day, walked to my apartment, and called home during the walk as I usually do. My dad answered, we spoke a moment and then my mom was on the line. I asked if something was wrong, and she said no, why would I ask that? And I told her I hadn’t felt right all day.

After I walked into my apartment, and my mom knew I was home safe, she told me that something had happened that day. That our friend Katie, on that same morning, the morning of her 31st birthday, had been shot and killed by her uncle, and that he had also shot and killed her 4 year old son, Raymond.

The police had found him that afternoon, and he cowardly took his own life in a hotel room downtown. I will never forget the shock of hearing those words. The finality of those two precious lives ending far too soon, because of the actions of one man, who could no longer be held responsible for the irreparable damage he left behind.

I felt broken and an anger inside of me that I had never felt before in my life. How could he do that to his own family, his own blood? What could bring someone to end the lives of others?

My dilemma was figuring out going home for the services, and I wanted so badly to be there for my mom. See, Katie was my pseudo-sister. She loved my mom and my mom loved her. Sometimes Katie would be at my parent’s house when I would call home, and I would always tell my mom to say hi to my pseudo-sis.

But that same weekend I had my second module for my coaching program, and I had three days booked up. If I missed the module I would have to find another class to book and it would potentially set me behind in the program. I had an extended conversation with my amazing mom, and she told me she would support whatever decision I made, but that she thought maybe it would be best if I didn’t miss the module and stayed in NYC. I agreed, and two days later I was back in coaching mentality.

The first day there was hard. Seeing my first peer coach was difficult because I immediately wanted to cry and tell her everything. But there wasn’t a moment except to give her the very briefest update before we had to get started. I managed to keep my emotions in check until we got around to later in the morning, and broke off into two groups. We were discussing the levels of energy, and we got to #2, and it represented anger. Needless to say, I was feeling a lot of rage, and I wanted to be the person everyone else coached. Not one for talking in bigger groups, I raised my hand and asked if anger could show up in loss and death. I then volunteered to be coached in the level 2 field. I grabbed a box of tissues and proceeded to share with my peers this story that impacted me so strongly. I broke down and let the tears fall free, and let the emotions flow out of me.

What happened next is why I believe in the power of coaching.

Instead of what happens in conversations with friends where they lovingly care and want more details of the story, my fellow coaches acknowledged and validated my feelings, and supported and lifted me in a way through a period of grief that would have taken longer to heal had I not allowed that process to happen.  One of the peer coaches asked what I would like to say to Katie, if given the opportunity.  There was this incredible sense of empowerment in the process, where I initially felt so powerless.

That weekend was uplifting, and gave me back a sense of hope I didn’t realize I needed to know existed.  That there is good in this world, despite the fact that there are others with evil inside of them, capable of such horrific acts.

That moment helped me to experience my grief, my anger towards the situation, and my utter sadness for humanity, by letting it show up, experiencing every emotion necessary, and to allow the real healing to begin.

I believe in the power of coaching, and the power of shifting energy around, even in what feels like the most hopeless of situations.